I know I made myself sick.
Monday – I dropped Aurora off at daycare, and while driving home, I had an emotional breakdown. I should have pulled over; I’m sure other drivers thought I was crazy. I was crying and yelling, feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to know: “why this happened to me.”, “I’m confined and limited…doomed forever.” ,” I’ve lost my way of life…I’m lost”. Just loads of negative eruptions.
I was recently (less than a week ago) given the diagnosis of type 1 diabetes or probably LADA/ type 1.5 (Latent autoimmune diabetes in adults). This means that my pancreas’ beta cells, which produce insulin, are being attacked and destroyed by antibodies. Antibodies are supposed to go after intrusive pathogens. Somehow these “dumbodies” think something that’s supposed to be there (beta cells) are bad-news bears.
I’m awaiting results for a test (c-peptide) that will reveal whether my pancreas is still making insulin. Even if it does, the medical community calls it a “honey-moon phase” -when the newly-diagnosed’s pancreas still makes insulin and glucose levels seem to be controlled easily or with less insulin. But research shows that over time, the beta cells will eventually cease and managing the disease will become more complicated.
The outlook seems dim and grim. Being told I have to give myself shots to stay alive, for as long as I live, was a nasty bite to swallow. The sugar-free cherry on top was not only being told that I have to watch for complications in my eyes, feet, and heart, but that when I become pregnant again, I’ll be considered high risk and be even more controlled and monitored than ever.
My own body is in self-attack mode. That’s beyond frustrating because your body is supposed to function properly and protect itself from -outside- harm when necessary.
After my sorry-for-self cry fest, I collected myself and went inside. I snapped out of it and led myself to a mirror we have in the entry-way. I stared at my puffy and worn-out face and wondered if I’d ever look or feel normal again.
I looked into the reflection of my eyes, then, after a few moments, something awakened or lit up inside of me.
I began to have a conversation with “mirror-me” about how my mind has the ability to make me sick but also the power to restore my health.
It’s my belief that thoughts and mindsets lead to physical outcomes. When there is a belief, there will be a manifestation that reflects that belief.
As I mentioned, I know I made myself sick. Mirror-me and I talked for possibly over an hour. I know that I have beliefs that created the disease I currently have. I also know that once I cleanse these beliefs, there won’t be room for disease. My body has to reflect my mind; it always does.
This seems so weird or that I might be in denial. My knowing is so strong in this that I have to share it. I trust so much, more than I’ve believed anything in my life, that I can reverse my mindset and my body will follow.
My body acts like a barometer; when I have deep issues and insulated emotions, my body will inevitably and unfavorably react.
For example: over a year ago, I chose to work at a place I thought would give me security. It sounded great in theory, but intrinsically, I sensed it was a wrong career move for me. It was a desk-job and I’m used to moving around all day as I’ve worked with kids since I was a kid. I really didn’t like the job; I felt trapped and frustrated. I was working over-time for more money, rushing around to make late dinners and having little time for family or myself. A month in, my back tweaked. Two months in, my back completely blew out. I was sitting in the chair one moment and then writhing in pain on the floor the next. I missed a week of work (for which I was written-up) and probably should have gone on disability, but I forced myself to go back.
My back went into an antalgic posture – the muscles had to pull my spine over to take pressure off the nerves and surrounding muscles. I had spasms that would send me to the floor. I had to lay down constantly and stretch. Medicine would not help; I became extremely depressed and didn’t see the point to live like that. When I thought I couldn’t go on anymore, I started feeling a little better.
I was let go from that job; I was never fired in my life, but that just goes to show that my mind and body were not having it. If I would have trusted my intuition to not take that job, I don’t think my back would have attacked me.
When I feel stressed or restrained, my back will give me warning signs. I know to take it easy and center myself.
Certain stress like time pressure will give me headaches, loud environments give me stomachaches. I get sick when I need a break from work.
I know that when I’m not trusting the flow of life or my intuition, my body will start sending me messages. I have ignored many signs of this current diagnosis, but the good thing is I am now acutely aware of how connected the mind and body are.
Amazingly, my face and eyes became brighter after the mirror talk. Tom even said the next day that my face looked bright, and that was after waking up!
I’ll go into my emotional issues and mindsets that I believe led to my current state of dis-ease in my next entry.