My recent “mirror-me” talk, which I know to be my connecting and communicating with my spirit/ the universal spirit, awakened me to my deep belief systems that have created the current state of dis-ease in my body.
Beliefs that are deeply ingrained become energetic blueprints in our body. They can rewire our brains and affect our DNA.
The first reveal was my belief that I can’t be happy because awful events will take my happiness away.
I have been rejecting true joy and authentic connections for fear of traumatizing loss, for most of my life. I have created problems and twisted situations within relationships until I became upset enough to distance myself from them. I’ve been afraid to love fully, whole-heartedly.
Fear is the most disconnecting and separating energy in the universe. I have kept myself from fully receiving the positive energy of love and joy; I have been blocking my ability to receive the sweetest parts of life. And what is diabetes? In short, the pancreas’ dysfunction in accepting glucose – sugar.
Another belief is that I don’t deserve good things in life because I’m not “good enough”. My earth-brain thinks being “good enough” means being attractive, intelligent, ambitious, productive – enough to merit having a good life. I think I have those qualities, but not enough of them to deserve passionate love, a fulfilling career and defined goals. I distrust others, constantly criticize myself, compare my body to other women’s [perfect] bodies, find imperfections and curse myself for them.
It really boils down to me being uncomfortable in my own skin; constantly self aware of my perceived flaws. I am overly self-conscious of my body – it prevents me from enjoying life. And it’s literally making me sick.
Somehow I’ve related trimness, legginess and perfect smiles with being happy and successful. I’ve equated being hot and cute with being lovable and worthy. Maybe what I’m seeing is women who, comfortable in their skin, are free and attract positivity.
Mirror-me relayed that I need to be joyful and comfortable in my body.
It’s not about accepting flaws, it’s believing in the flawlessness of the human body. I won’t be able to physically heal if I have a destructive body mindset.
What put me over the edge and my body into self-attack mode:
With the combination of being afraid to love, rejecting joy and self-loathing, I have created a climate of pain and dark energy in and around me. I have been searching for external things to give me the acceptance and happiness I need to be intrinsically choosing to cultivate for myself. I tried retail therapy, alcohol and desserts. These are fun things in moderation, but a quick and temporary fix.
The prominent way I’ve searched for self-acceptance is in the desire for magical, romantic love. I’ve been in several long-term relationships and although they didn’t last, I was told lovely things about myself, praised and adored. I never believed them, but it was nice to hear.
Now I’m soon in my second year with Tom- and he’s never told me that I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. I know, it’s ridiculous for me to want him to tell me that. I know I’m not the most attractive woman in the world, or even in a square mile. I just want to know that I’m the most beautiful (not just in appearance) woman to him, as if it’ll prove his dedication to me.
I once asked him if I was – we almost broke up because of his response and the horrible argument that followed. He hesitated, said he had to think about it, and didn’t understand the question. I’ve never felt more dejected, hideous and heart-broken. My thought was that an in-love person sees their partner that way and can say that without pause…and without having to be asked. Too many fairy tale movies growing up? I was a tom-boy, so ‘Terminator’ and ‘Robocop’ really didn’t give me that ideal.
This was the edge I had been straddling; my idea of true-love being what would heal me and make me whole, or what would inflict sadness and pain in my heart.
I deeply wanted him to see me that way and to passionately tell me that. But why? I am wanting to feel beautiful (worthy) and unconditionally loved, but that’s not his job.
We made amends, but I kept that disappointment in my heart.
This event pushed me over the edge:
Tom’s newly-wed college buddy visited from out of town on a night Tom had an open-mic. He was out very late, came home drunk – and with his friend. This guy is outspoken about other women, even though he’s married and his wife is pregnant. It’s fine to say other people (than your partner) are attractive, but I don’t think it should be brought to the level he takes it. I could overhear them talking downstairs. He started going on about college and the girls he’s slept with…then the worst thing I could hear was him praising himself for getting Tom “laid”. Tom then began to talk about these girls and those nights, in detail.
My heart crashed. I couldn’t believe he was bragging and reminiscing about that, in our home, or at all.
Of course we argued, putting it lightly; I didn’t talk to him for a day or so. I didn’t want to be with him any more. I’ve never been hurt by a man so badly in my life, especially with one I want commitment.
Maybe this is silly and wouldn’t hurt most people, but I’m positive my beliefs about myself contributed to the jealousy, pain, and distance that conversation between them brought. I hardened my heart to him that night. I decided he isn’t in love with me enough to praise me with beautiful words, look at me with adoration, and not talk about other women. I chose to believe I’m not only not good enough for me, I’m not good enough for him either.
A week after the event, and it might be too much info, I started developing an itch, which later turned into an infection. It lasted a month, but I didn’t seek medical attention. A month after the itch started, I became extremely thirsty and frequently urinated. The thirst was so bad my tongue stuck to my mouth and would wake me up at night. I ignored those symptom too; the horrible part is I knew something very bad was happening inside of me.
I didn’t trust myself, another side effect of having no self-belief.
Wanting love but disallowing it, my negative mindsets and self-loathing, are the things that led to these events and the dis-ease. Not Tom, not anyone but my beliefs.
I have kept myself from love and the joy that it brings because I haven’t been loving myself and being joyful in my body. I haven’t believed I deserve a happy and free life.
I’ve punished myself for a long time and now my body is punishing me, reflecting my deep and harmful beliefs.
I attracted a dis-ease that seems to be looming and limiting, but my spirit knows that it’s an illusion- it’s a way for me to see how my mind creates the state of my body, of my life.
It is opening my mind and making it possible for me to connect to spirit.
I feel those beliefs aren’t going to be allowed to keep their hold on me.
Love is the most powerful and beautiful energy in the universe.
I’m choosing to let love in.